Fight Depression 🥹1️⃣: Are You Really OK?
Introduction
Depression is a very depressive topic.
If you are not depressed, you may find it hard to understand how depressed people feel. I don't mean to imply you're not considerate or don't know what depression is, so please don't take me wrong. Feelings and thoughts may be easier understood by those who have experienced them. If you are currently suffering from or have had depression in the past, I am sure you know what I am talking about.
I recently stepped out of severe depression. Although I cannot say I am 100% healed, I found ways to manage it and feel much better each day. I want to share my journey and the seven principles that helped me overcome the difficult time. I hope my experience will also inspire you to take action and get better.
Principle 1: Don't accept your reality. Embrace it.
My darkest moment started six months after the covid pandemic in 2020. For a while, I refused to believe I was depressed. I was in denial. I kept telling myself: "It is nothing. You need to be stronger. Life is not bad. You have a roof over your head and food to eat, despite all the unpleasant things that swirl around you. Be grateful. Despite catching Covid, you recovered. And you are still here. Be grateful. Everything is fine. Stop being an ungrateful whining person. It is fine. Just suck it up." As you can imagine, I was trying to rationalize every aspect of my life, and obviously, I dug into an even deeper hole. In retrospect, I guess I wasn't being so kind to myself.
After a while, every day, every minute, every second became unbearable. My life was torture. Every morning I woke up feeling in a dark, deep, empty hole. Nothing was around, and nobody could see me. I felt so lonely that I could hear my bones crack and my soul shatter. My heart was filled with sadness, and I could tear up at any time for no particular reason. It wasn't long before I began researching ways of ending my Life, legal suicide, and Life beyond death.
In the meantime, I still kept telling myself: "Hey, you are OK. Everything is OK. You can always leave the world. You don't need this life. Nothing is real, and it is OK to end this unreal life." The more I thought about this way, the more I normalized the idea of suicide. I was clearly still in denial of my depression, life, and reality.
Fortunately, that was not the only thought in my mind. A very faint voice wandered in my heart from time to time— "Are you really OK?"
Still, I began sorting through my personal belongings and financial accounts. At some point, I started preparing a will. While writing down the names of those I care for, I realized how much I love them. This made me afraid since I would no longer see them. The fear of missing my loved ones suddenly pulled me back to reality. I deleted my will and sobbed like a three-year-old on my desk. I cried so badly that my vision started getting blurry. I looked at the sky from the window. Everything seemed fuzzy.
It felt like time had stopped. And the faint voice came back again:
"Hey, are you really OK?"
Deep down, I knew I wasn't OK - far from it. Slowly, I began to see reality for what it is, and at that moment, I became an observer of myself. I got up from the chair and walked to the yard. I took a deep breath and mumbled: "You don't want to die. You just don't know how to cope with your reality — a reality you feel you have no control over. You are confused. And you are in deep pain. You don't want to end your life but rather end your suffering. You are suffering, and this is your reality. You are eager to end it. That is what you want, not killing yourself. Don't accept that reality. Don't accept suffering. No one should. You need to find something that gives you joy and meaning. Just do something to make yourself suffer less. You need to find a way to save yourself."
At that moment, my conscience decided to do something about it—no more denial. I acknowledged my suffering and finally embraced my reality. Nothing is more relieving than being honest, no matter how difficult it may seem. Being honest about the situation and to myself was the most helpful thing for a very long time. I was feeling the beginning of embracing something new.
