Fight Depression 😵2️⃣ : How I Found Joy Again?

Principle 2: Take a break, and you can.

Principle 2: Take a break, and you can.

Suicidal thoughts were still on my mind. This kind of thought is not something that appears overnight, nor can it disappear within a day. The feeling has been with me for at least a year now. However, I was conscious that I shouldn't let myself go. At least as a baby step, I needed to keep myself here and distract myself by doing something.

But what could I do besides my daily work? I didn't have a clear answer. As you probably already know, when someone is depressed, they lose interest in everything, and nothing appeals to them. They find it challenging to get out of bed in the morning and feel unmotivated, unable to concentrate or feel even hopeless.

This was exactly what I was going through at the time. Though my logical mind deliberately wanted to find fun things to do, I had difficulty actually seeing anything. To find some answers, I decided to look back at how I grew up as a child. I was hoping to find something I wanted to do but never had a chance to do.

I was raised in a practical, goal-oriented manner from a very young age. I was taught to be successful, valuable, and independent as a child. There was a plan for everything. The main goal of my life, at least as expected by my parents, was always, and I mean literally, getting into the top school and being the best in class. I was expected to put aside any hobbies that didn't contribute to that goal. Vice versa, if I did anything other than school work, those activities must contribute to the goal of getting into the top school.

As a result, joining the dance club or the choir was to add the score to the social activities. Learning drawing was to aim for the top art and design college. Although I loved and still love art, the fun part was diminished when some very specific standards were applied to every drawing I made. Reading and writing were all for better scores in the final exams. The goal and restricted practices did help me get into the top college and helped me land a well-paid job. But life is not a script. You cannot control every aspect of your life and cannot plan out every detail.

Even though I did my best to plan and execute, it left me feeling like I was just a little machine that only knew how to produce results. There was no "me" in my life. And when the result was not what I expected, all I left was a sense of failure.

Life becomes an endless race when reaching goals is the only measurement of success. And when the expected result is the only source of pleasure, sooner or later, you will burn out. Especially, no one can win all the time.

I was tired, beyond tired.

I was so focused on the outcome that I forgot to enjoy the process.I was so worried about making mistakes that I didn't give myself any chance to breathe.

I wondered: "Why do I have to live like that? I don't want to race anymore. Can I take a break? Yes, I can. This is my life, and I should do whatever I want. What am I going to lose? I already wanted to end my own life. That's right. I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point." This thought appeared like a glimmer of hope at the end of a long dark tunnel.

I looked around. It was my empty yard. "Why didn't I plant anything in the yard?" I wondered. I have always loved plants and flowers and imagined growing them. I used to pick wildflowers on my way home from school when I was a kid. The first thing I did when I got home was to put them in a cup, add some water, and hope they grow roots and stay with me forever. It made me feel happy and hopeful. But I have never grown anything besides putting the wildflowers in water since I was a kid. I was told it was a waste of time and a distraction because it had nothing to do with my "planned" future. And I believed it. Well, now I am no longer a kid, and I am certainly not a robot or a machine. I deserve a break and have the right to find a hobby only because it can or may bring me joy. I looked around the empty yard again and said, "All right, let me try gardening."

As I pondered the thoughts, I became a bit excited. The idea of gardening seemed so distant, but now it was almost within my grasp. I had never really considered myself a "green thumb," but with the right tools and some instructions, I could see how it might be possible.

Sure, it has nothing to do with my work or future career. But, so what? I can take a break from the "race." and try something new and fun. Simply, I am allowed. And you too.