Fight Depression 😇5️⃣: How I Found Hope and Strength Again?
Principle 5: Faith gives you hope and brings you strength.
Hope. What is hope?
According to the dictionary, hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. One of the worst parts of depression was the feeling of being trapped in the deepest, darkest hole without any desire to escape.
The feeling was not so much that I didn't desire to escape as I didn't believe anything would make it happen. Depression took my faith away, and I was only a body without a soul and no reason for living as I lost faith in myself. It was absolutely the worst feeling anybody could possibly have. I felt hopeless and helpless until the unwell orange tree came into my life. It was the tree I mentioned in the early stories.
The poor tree shed all its leaves. I couldn't help wondering if it would die while looking at the tree. I didn't know, but I also didn't stop caring for it. I couldn't give up on the tree when it was still alive. Every morning, I checked on the tree and carefully tested the soil's moisture and PH levels to ensure everything was all right. One morning, I walked into the garden and said to the tree: "Please get better. I believe you will get better. I am not going to give up on you. I have faith in you. I love you, orange tree."
"I have faith in you. I love you." I repeated in my mind, and it felt like it was for me.
People recovering from depression often have good and bad days, which is no exception for me. On bad days, the sadness returned, sending me into a downward spiral and leaving me empty, exhausted, and painful. Occasionally, I felt lighter, clearer, easier, and more like myself on a good day. It was definitely a good day moment when I repeated, "I have faith in you. I love you." However, this time was also a little different, and I felt faith came back to me. I began to believe I could break free if my sadness was my prison.
A poem from the Southern Song Dynasty in China reads: "After endless mountains and rivers that leave doubt whether there is a path out, suddenly one encounters the shade of a willow, bright flowers, and a lovely village." This phrase perfectly describes how I felt when I began to see hope again. The faith gave me something to hope for every day. Despite not knowing when I would be able to break free completely, my faith kept me going. It motivated me and gave me the strength to push through.
Every morning, I checked all my plants in the garden before heading to work. Water them, fertilize them, and prune them when necessary. Many of them grew rapidly, while others didn't change much. Sometimes, cute birds stopped by and sang. As soon as I put up a bird feeder, more birds began visiting the garden, and even squirrels joined the visit. My mornings became more interesting every day. Plants, birds, and squirrels brightened my day. Slowly, there were more good days than bad days.
One morning, I saw some new tiny green dots on the bald orange tree branches. It looked like some pest lavas.
"Oh, My God!" I yelled when I looked at it closely. They were all tiny new leaves! "You made it, orange tree!" I said to the tree. I was so happy that I could hear myself laughing. It was the happiest moment and purest joy I hadn't had in a very long time. This baby step of feeling joy made my belief in beating depression stronger.
As the tree began to grow leaves, I had more good days than bad days. And I became more mindful when having bad days. If you have depression, you probably know exactly how the bad day went. I felt I couldn't do anything, and even breathing took a lot of effort. The depression was as heavy as thousands of pounds of stone pressed on my chest. It was just pure pain. But when faith came back, it was not just suffering anymore. I would like to call it "mindful pain." I treated it like how I treated the unwell orange tree, believing it would get better.
When the pain came up, I acknowledged it immediately and made a mental note to tell them: "I noted you. I can feel you, and I know you are there." In addition to acknowledging it, I have also questioned it from a third-person perspective and asked: "What is the pain? What is the emotion and feeling associated with this pain? Is this sadness? Is this anger? Is this helpless? Is this fear? What are they?" In the beginning, it took a while to figure this feeling out to give it a definition. As soon as I identified the actual feeling, I immediately felt more grounded and in control. Then I started to ask, "What triggered it, and why do I feel this?" A train of thoughts would play in my mind to search for an answer. Sometimes, I had clear answers. Sometimes, I didn't. Then I just kept figuring it out as I kept figuring out the orange tree situation. A clear answer helped for sure, but the process of searching for the answer really brought peace back to me. I wasn't so caught up by the pain or the negative thoughts brought up by the pain; instead, I became an observer and healer of my spirit.
When I saw the orange tree get sick, I wondered, "What is happening? Why did the leaves all fall off? What causes it?" When I noticed my family in trouble, I usually stepped in to help with a firm belief that things would get better. If I saw my friends crying, I asked, "Why are you crying? What happened? How are you feeling? Don't worry. Everything will be fine." I comforted them and helped them figure things out. More importantly, I had faith in them. Unfortunately, I did not always show myself the same compassion when I was in pain. Instead, I lost faith in myself and beat myself up even more.
Shouldn't I love and care for myself too? I should. We all should. Have faith in yourself even when the circumstances are not in your favor. Give yourself strength and compassion as you are your best friend. Don't give up on yourself, as you won't stop taking care of a tree just because the tree fell off some leaves.
