Fight Depression 🧐4️⃣: How I Stop Blaming Myself?

Principle 4: Stay objective.

Just as I believed my life was getting back to normal, the orange tree started dropping leaves. If you are familiar with navel orange trees, you would know they are evergreen, so their leaves remain green even in the fall and don't shed their leaves. The first thought that came to my mind was what I did to make the tree sick.

I don't know if you feel this way when you have depression. I certainly felt like the whole world was against me, and it felt like I was the center of attention for the wrong reasons. On the one hand, you feel incredibly lonely in the darkest place in the universe. On the other hand, you were overwhelmed by the thought that you had made everything worse around you. I have to say this. It was the weirdest feeling ever.

Logically speaking, if you are completely alone, with no one around you, and nothing appears next to you, how can you possibly make everything worse as the sole existence? I felt my mind was about to explode. The more I thought this through, the more ridiculous I began to feel, but the feeling is a feeling. Sometimes, it is not 100% following your logical mind.

While I struggled with this inner conflict, the poor navel orange tree kept shedding its leaves. I tried to water less or more and to fertilize lightly with different fertilizers. I even checked the roots and repotted it twice with brand-new soil. The orange tree still sheds all its leaves. I was so sad and kept blaming myself for not taking care of it correctly. I repetitively told my husband. It was all my fault that the orange tree was dying.

One day my husband said to me: "Hey, look at the lemon tree. How healthy is it? So many flowers and fruits. You did something right to this tree. The orange tree was sick already when we got it. You didn't make it sick."

"Well, I certainly didn't save the orange tree, and I probably made it sicker than before. It's my fault. All my fault." I replied.

"Hey. Don't beat yourself up. This is not your fault. And maybe it will turn around.

It still has branches and is still alive. Give this tree some time." My husband said to me.

I admit he was not wrong. It is unreasonable for me to blame myself for everything. But why did I blame myself for everything? And why do many of us do this?

I googled it, and with no surprise, many articles explained it from a psychological perspective with solid research. You can also google it if you're interested in learning more. But my problem was that knowing the possible causes of self-blaming didn't stop me from blaming myself for everything.

What really helped me was being mindful of self-blaming when I began to feel this way and objectively thinking through the situation—doing my due diligence on the matter that made me feel guilty. After thinking about it from a third-person perspective, I started seeing all the factors involved and who was responsible for what. I looked at the lemon tree and orange tree. While one flourished with tons of flowers, the other struggled with no leaves. I treated them with the same citrus fertilizers and water and potted them in the same soil. I paid even more attention to the orange tree.

As I kept wondering what I had done wrong, I recalled the grasshopper chewing the orange tree leaves in the nursery. Right? do you remember the grasshopper I mentioned in the story of Principle 3?

In fact, so many factors played into the orange tree sickness. Perhaps there were pest infestations, chronic malnutrition, genetic problems, temperature changes, or I gave too much or too little water. No matter what I did, right or wrong, it was only one of the factors. The idea that I was the only cause of the orange tree's situation is absurd. Well. I am also unlikely to be the sole cause of the lemon tree's blossom.

After days of due diligence, my mind became much clearer and more peaceful. My responsibility was to take care of the trees as best I could, and I continued to do so. But I cannot control all factors contributing to the tree's wellness. Therefore, I stopped blaming myself.

No one can be blamed for everything, just as no one can be praised for everything.